


Smile Honey

by HalseyPotter



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depressed Bucky Barnes, Depressed Steve Rogers, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Avengers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-01-07 05:27:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12226674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalseyPotter/pseuds/HalseyPotter
Summary: "It was my fault."





	1. Chapter one

"Steve?"

Silence.

Steve Rogers hasn't been the same since he was captured by Hydra...Hell, who would be? Hydra has many ways of killing someone, even though the person is still in fact breathing. He was tortured for 3 months before the Avengers and the Winter Soldier saved him, they had to physically remove him from the crate he was locked in like some kind of dog; to think of it, Steve had the appearance of an abused dog.  
His usually soft, tidy blonde hair was matted with blood and knots. His face were cut up and bruised, half of his face was burnt which the avengers quickly learnt was from the acid that was thrown to the captain's face. Their anger and guilt were building up to a point where they were struggling to breathe; The winter Soldier did not react, his face was a cold mask and he stood like a statue, watching the doctors save Captain America's life.  
3 broken ribs. A broken leg which has healed wrong so had to be broken again. His back had whip scars from being whipped so many times, his body didn't have time to heal. However the main thing that scared them was the emptiness in his eyes. 

Eventually, Cap was able to come back to the Avengers tower after 4 weeks of hospital food, and being scrutinized by doctors, nurses and his friends. In the last 2 weeks before leaving, he taught himself to smile and say he's okay. Steve did not want to worry his teammates, he didn't want to upset Bucky. He didn't want to repeat what happened to him, what he saw and heard.

Hydra loves breaking people physically but they take the biggest joy in breaking people mentally. Take one Bucky Barnes for example. They knew his weakness and they destroyed him. 

Videos of Bucky.  
Being tortured without a shadow of sympathy.

*  
"Steve will save me..."  
A crowd of sniggering, "Captain America is dead"  
*  
"STEVE! STEVE! PLEASE! No, no, please no more..."  
*  
"Wipe him."  
*

Hydra played with Bucky's mind senselessly, to make him into a ruthless weapon only they have control over. They used Bucky to kill, to hurt, to train...They broke him. 

The weight of hatred and blame makes Steve want to collapse, to go back into the ice so he won't have to deal with what HE did...He lost his best friend to death and now, it looks like death would have been more friendlier. Why didn't he try? Why didn't he save Bucky? His everything? 

Sometimes Bucky looks at him blankly and he just wants to scream, punch the fucking wall until his hands are broken but he doesn't, he smiles and does what Bucky wants him to do, which is usually fetching Natasha or Sam and leaving Bucky alone. It's like Bucky knows it's Steve's fault...There's nights when Steve just cries, when he cannot sleep and goes for a motorbike ride, trying to escape the hell hounds with painful howls that are worse than their bite.

Hydra has ruined his world.

They will burn in hell for this. Even if Steve has to burn with them.

"Steve? Still up for movie night?"

" Yea, Tony. Looking forward to it" Steve smiles as Tony walks off.

*  
"Come on honey, smile for the camera."

A reminder of his mum's words made him put on a smile, ready for a night of pretending.  
*  
"Good boy, honey."


	2. Chapter two

Believe it or not but here was Captain America, sitting on top of Avengers Tower, smoking.   
He was sitting on the floor, leaning against the metal bars and staring out into space. He watched the busy city, admiring how people can carry on with their lives, basically daring all villains to take a hit. His enhanced hearing can pick up the birds, the screaming and laughing of children playing, dogs barking, vehicles banging and huffing as they try to push through the traffic. 

His eyes keep being drawn to the ground as if it will save his life, not end it. Steve's mind was empty, he couldn't think, didn't want to. Just keep smoking and watch the world turn.

"You're not okay." A statement, no question and no hesitance. Matter of fact. 

Steve looked over to Bucky. He wasn't surprised his friend was able to read him, nor did he argue. It was useless, Bucky always used to say; to everyone, Steve was a blank canvas but to Buck, the colours of his feelings were bold and loud. Even now, with his puddle of a mind, he could sense Steve's blues.

He offered a cigarette, which Bucky took as he sat down in front of Steve, leaning against the water fountain installed by Pepper so yeah, plenty of space between the so called light and dark. The comfortable silence between the two drifted on.

Time is important. You think you have years so why rush? Why get married? Why say I love you? It's actually not like that at all. Sure, Steve and Bucky are over 90 year old but look at them...They are no longer the innocent young boys they used to be, and no longer whole. A little space between them but it felt like there's miles between them. Hell, it felt like the wall of bloody china was stopping him to get to Bucky. He didn't understand how to help his friend anymore. The mind is one fucked up organ but add the crap Buck's has been through; God, you have your work set out for you.

It's worth it, don't get him wrong. It's just...his bones feel heavy, old. His faith and spirit have been broken. His own mind has been played with. Watching Bucky have his mind wiped over and over and over again, seeing him being hurt and screaming for his best friend to come and save him.   
He watched his best friend get raped by men who aren't worthy to look at him, never mind fucking touch him. Steve went mad with rage and grief, spat at a doctor, punched a few hydra agents and actually managed to paralyses an agent. He holds no regret, just bitter disappointment of the monster they've made him become.

They eventually wanted to give him a taster of what Bucky had to go through when they wiped his memory. 

The pain. The laughter. The smirks. The lights flashing in his head. It made him hungrier for the end of hydra.   
They made him forget his name once. He remembered by thinking of Bucky...  
*  
"Punk...Stevie...Steve."  
*  
Bucky always seems to manage to get him out of the ditch. If only Steve could pay him back. Steve only makes Bucky hurt, the soldier has lost everything, including himself because Steve couldn't just fucking leave things alone. 

 

A hand to his shoulder made him jump into reality, " you alright, pal?", grayish blue eyes meet Steve's. Bucky's eyes makes his heart flutters and break at the same time, his shoulder feels warm and no longer holding the weight of the world. 

"I'm here, Buck. I'm back." Patting the hand gently before snubbing his cigarette on the floor and getting up, "Want to spar or something, jerk?"

Bucky gave Steve a small grin. He just wanted to be with Steve so he nodded to whatever Steve wanted to do. His pal was a ghost, almost like him. It's not allowed. Steve was the sun that made him feel alive, this...This just made him want to wrap Steve in 100+ blankets and not let him out of sight and maybe...kill flipping Hydra. 

Those snakes will fucking pay.

For everything.


	3. Chapter three

Tony watches his friend and Captain sit in the meeting room through JARVIS' eyes. Steve hasn't noticed the meeting ended 30 minutes ago. His blank stare and position worried Tony, his heart cripples as he watches the hero he looked up to since a kid and the friend who makes him believe, become someone he doesn't know anymore.  
Tony fixes things. Hand him anything and he will fix it into something useful, no sweat but this...People. A human being. 

He's clueless.

Tony sighs. His guilt of not finding his friend soon enough almost drowns him and seems to eat away all his ideas of creativity Starks are famous for. He knows what it's like to be captured, and still he cannot find the words to speak up, to hug his friend as Steve stares on. His father made him unable to cope with emotions, they are messy and Starks haven't got time for that. The Ten Rings beat him, made his heart his disadvantage but they opened his eyes to a traitor and the immoral use of his weapons. Yes, they changed him for the better; but he still has the scars, he can't be handed things and there are nights he can't sleep, needs alcohol to numb his mind. 

The Ten Rings hurt him, using their fists and their violent uncontrollable anger but Hydra...They are inhuman, he...he doesn't want to know what Steve has gone through.

"I'm sorry, Steve."

-

Natasha still has to remind herself who she is, what side she's on. She still dreams of the Red room; the constant training, the misguiding ballet music, the acting and the many filthy hands who touched her body without care. 

Love is for children. Natasha trusts this without any doubt; however, she cannot deny her feelings for her teammates. You could almost say they are her downfall.  
Clint saved her. His never-ending jokes, his understanding when Natasha needs to deal with her own shit herself, his damn dog...Bruce, closed off to world to not hurt anyone, but also not to hurt himself. His trust in people is limited now, the horror in his loved ones' eyes to his big and green scared and broke him. Fortunately, she is one of the people he trusts.  
Tony. Tony. Tony. He's truly something. She judged him right but also, wrong. The Avengers are a family and to be honest, Tony never had that. He only had his robots...He still needs to accept he's not alone anymore. Thor was loud and never hides his amazement by how humans live. He tries to do what's right with his brother but it's never appreciated. Sam is an angel, in other word. He cares, understands and does whatever he can do to help others. He has seen many horrible things, including watching his best friend die, but instead of letting the darkness swallow him whole, he uses his experiences to support people.  
James (she refuses to call him such a silly name) has become so much more than a killer he once was. He has beaten the odds, fought through Hydra's abuse on his mind and started to be a human again. There are bad days, of course but Natasha would be worried if there wasn't.  
And Steve. The Captain was one of her best friends, could call him a brother. He was so innocent and eager to save the world from itself when they met. He respects her and treats her with such. His hugs makes her feel something she has never really felt in a long time...safe. 

She wishes she could do the same for him now. 

-

Clint is always up for a laugh. He lives for fun, smiles and laughter. Well, he mainly lives for his bow and arrow but you get the point. He dreams of a world where everyone can be happy and not worry about it being snatched away within a blink of an eye. He dreams of him and his friends living, safe and sound. He dreams of his brother being his brother again.  
What is the use of dreaming? His dreams are useless in this world. He sees how the world have made his friends strong in the citizens' eyes, but the world don't see their haunted eyes after battle, the gun wounds, the screams after a goddamn nightmare. After escaping Loki's mind control, he felt exposed and the anguish of losing his mentor/friend, Phil Coulson...and now, it looks like he has lost another friend.

"Come back to us, Cap."

-

Doctor Banner couldn't stop looking at the notes of Steve's medical report. He has been sitting in the Hulk's room, isolated so he can turn into his big green self without a care. He just couldn't stop; it was almost punishment for not being there...for being so darn selfish, wanting to get away from the destruction that always seems to sniff out the Avengers. He wasn't here for his friend. He wants to rip Hydra apart, he wants to feel the pain Hydra would give him also. He DESERVES it because HE WASN'T FUCKING THERE!!!

A tormented roar was heard throughout the whole tower as Bruce became the Hulk.

-

Thor used to love the Earth. His astonishment of what the human beings have made of this world makes him excited to learn everything about this planet and it's people. Before, he thought lowly of these powerless beings but to his disbelief; even without powers, they were strong and intelligent. Meeting the Avengers was interesting and soon, became apart of his family. His voice booms out his joy every time he sees and greets them. He would fight for them and kill.  
He looks at his Mjölnir while standing in the roof garden of the tower before looking towards the sky. "What good is a God if he cannot help a friend?," He questions who you may wonder, the Son of Odin cannot answer. Feeling useless is making him question who he is and whether this world is as great as it looks.  
Thor is no longer innocent to the brutality of what humans can do. Some humans are monsters, monsters his friends and him have to stop. 

"Forgive me, my friend."

Thor screams at the sky as he lifts the Mjölnir, striking the sky with lightening causing a storm to plague the city. As the storm builds above him, he collapses on his knees in defeat. 

Thor's faith in humanity died that day.

-

Sam watches on as the former Winter Soldier punches his way through Starks' apparently superhuman proof punch bags. He sighs, knowing the hopelessness and despair in the soldier's stance; Oh lord, did he know? He let one best friend down and now, another one...  
Riley would be so proud of him, moving on and using his grief to help others but he wouldn't be so happy with Sam putting his wings back on. Riley wanted Sam to live, to get married, have kids and grow old. However, Riley is dead and so he cannot clip him over the head.  
Steve was a man who fought for what's right and always inspired him. He was actually apart of the reason he enlisted. The main reason to look out for Riley; which he did such a good job off.

He scoffed internally

Pushing away his own self hatred, he slowly approaches Bucky, who spun round to attack before he realized who it was. Shaking the tension in his shoulders, Bucky raised an eyebrow, "Seen something you like, bird boy?", wiping the sweat above his brow. Sam smirks, "Oh Yes, Robo. You really make me blue balls, how can I contain myself?", he answer sarcastically before putting on his no shit face, "Are yo-",  
"IF you are going ask if I'm okay, I'm going to..." Bucky trails off, huffing as he begins to walk out of the gym. 

"I want to kill them." Sam say with venom.  
Bucky laughed.

"Get in fucking line."

Sam is left alone in a gym, feeling more exhausted than when he came home from war.


	4. Chapter four

Director Fury has lost many agents.   
Sometimes The spy feels like he sends them to their death.

Gazing out the window of his office, he finally lets a breath out as if it would help him deal with...whatever he felt. It’s been a long time since he felt emotion. Trust was out of the question since he lost his eye, love was also because of the job; You could almost say he's given up on being human.  
Not a lot of good comes out from caring.   
It's lonely, sure but he gets by.

However, Fury couldn't push pass the uncomfortable weight of regret he felt. Thinking of the Avengers, he did not trust them but they’re his responsibility; the possibility of losing them fills him with trepidation and uncontrollable rage. So, as you can probably imagine, his feelings of the Captain's capture...The details of what they done to him...The medical report...  
Fury doesn't know how he's going to look the super soldier in the eye.

Of course, he's been spying on his Captain. Needs to know if Rogers is still capable of leading a team. He watched as Cap run like there's hell-hounds at his heel, he watched as the Captain eats his meal without tasting it, he observed and comprehended that yes, he has done wrong.

He's not their damn mother, he cannot have his eye on them all the time but he knows they are targets. He basically painted the dart board on their backs. Sure, he gives them a direction, a way to use their skills and deal with their shit in a good way, to save the world but...

He's just not sure anymore if it’s worth the price of his Avengers’ lives.   
Their happiness.

 

A knock on his door disturbed him from his thoughts.  
"Yes?"

"Speaking on the fucking devil", Fury thought as Steve Rogers opened his door and stepped in an uncertain manner. "You wanted to see me, Sir?"  
Fury nodded and gestured towards the sofa near his window, away from his work desk. This isn’t a time to look intimidating.  
After asking if his guest wanted any refreshments, he noted as he leaned against his work desk how Rogers sat, ready to battle; The spy wonders if the super soldier sleeps but judging by the shadows underneath the eyes, life doesn't even give the Captain that it seems.

"I don't know how to go about this, so I’m going to be blunt, Captain," Fury swallowed as the man tensed, "How's life?"  
Rogers narrowed his eyes, understandably to be honest. This question must be insane, considering the person who’s asking. 

"I'm well, Sir." 

Fury couldn't help but to roll his eyes, "You're not going to make this easy, are you kid?" He exhaled, the Captain looked at him with an impassive expression, though his eyes voiced the uneasiness he felt and his left leg began trembling apprehensively. Fury shook his head, "Before this, I was in the war. A Colonel. I was ruthless, determined to fight a good fight. In war, your squad become your brothers but as times go on, it gets messy. The blood on your hands become too much. The trust in your brothers is the only thing that keeps you standing...Well, until you lose an eye because you trusted too much." The past Colonel revealed, looking out the window before doing what he's been dreading.

Looking Rogers in the eye.

"Get help, Captain. Before it’s too late. A therapist. Ask Stark, he will point you in the right track. Don't be hard headed, son or that crap going in your head is going to get someone killed one day if you're not careful."

Fury swiftly stood up and tried shaking the ache that formed in his shoulders for being in the same position for too long.  
"Now, let's stop being girls. Get out and make me proud, Captain."

Roger sat solid for a minute, unable to believe everything he just heard. Not only is it his boss who hides the truth as much as he can but the words being said...They were firm, hitting out at the right places; his stomach felt like it’s been punched. Yet, it was comforting.   
The man out of time and his depth looked at Fury, trying to focus on what’s happening and not to break down. 

 

"Thank you, Sir."

"Don't mention it. I mean it. I need to keep my rep in check." 

 

And Wow, Fury made the boy smile. An honest to God smile...

The director of Shield will never admit this but that is his biggest triumph up to date.


	5. Chapter five

Dr Grace West would never admit to anyone, but she was scared.  
She is a Psychologist. Yes, she has her Bachelor’s Degree, Master's degree and Doctorate Degree. Yes, she is good at her job and believes in herself but this...This will be a challenge.

A man, who should have been getting support anyway from being a WW2 soldier and then suddenly been made to live in the 21st century; has been tortured beyond relief and is now struggling everyday life.  
The doctor huffed, why didn't the captain get the help he obviously needed? Even if he refused, they should have insisted. No matter what anyone says, no soldier, super-soldier or not, goes to war and comes back Scot free. The sounds of loud bangs from guns, the supersonic crack as the bullet passes right by your face, the blast from the grenades and the screams of your fellow soldiers will follow you wherever you go. You can be laying down in bed, close to slumber and then BOOM!  
You're back in war. 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder hunts hungrily for soldiers. It will cause people to relive their traumatic events through flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, unable to express emotions and slowly, they become strangers to themselves and others. PTSD usually comes in hand with depression, anxiety, insomnia, self-destructive behavior and suicidal thoughts. PTSD sufferers feel they are unable to trust anyone or may experience survivors' guilt so will isolate themselves. 

The Doctor started to pace the floor. She was waiting for Captain Steve Rogers...A war hero but most people forget that he is just a man, a human being. 

A knock interrupted her anxious thoughts. Straighten her clothing, close her eyes to clear her head and then opened them, feeling ready to face the music. "Please come in.", She said, congratulating herself quietly for her calming tone. Sitting herself down on her office chair, and placing her hands on her lap as the captain lets himself in.  
Grace couldn't help but feel her heart sink. The black bags under the captain's eyes show the incredible lack of sleep, the haunting eyes give her the inkling of the horrors going in his mind. His shoulders were hunched up, tensed...almost trying to make him smaller but don't get her wrong, he was ready to fight. The doctor waved a hand to the sofa opposite to her for the captain to sit down. She gave him some space from her eyes by glancing at the clock, letting him sit down without feeling like hes on show.

"Hello, Mr Rogers. Can I call you Steve?" She waited for his agreement before continuing, "My name is Grace West. I will be your Therapist for how long we both decide. Every appointment will be one hour and 30 minutes long. Anything we talk about in this room will stay in this room unless you are at risk to yourself and others. Now all the formals are out the way, can i offer you a nice hot chocolate?"  
Steve blinked, "Er, yes please."  
Grace smiled, standing to put the kettle on. "I have a weakness for hot chocolate but always willing to share. Now which brand would you like? I have Cadburys, Galaxy,  
Peanut Butter Flavour, Twinings Swiss..." She trailed off as Steve's eyebrows raised and eyes widen, "Yes, I have a problem." She admitted, shrugging off the soldier's chuckle, "I'll have the Cadburys one, please." Grinning, she snatched it from the shelve as well as her favorite peanut butter. 

After putting the cups down on the small coffee table in between them, The doctor sat with her hands, once again in her lap. "So Steve, how are you today?"  
The captain immediately tensed up before sighing, rubbing his eyes before looking up to his therapist.  
"I was captured and tortured." He answered robotedly.  
"Yes, side effects?"

Steve couldn't speak for a moment. Grace noted how inhumanly empty his eyes were, his hands were shaking and the restlessness in his legs were making his legs jump up randomly.  
"I can't sleep. I can't think, feel anything about it."  
He lets his head fall to face the floor, his breathing was becoming quick and shallow as he tries to contain his fear.  
"Steve."  
She looked him in the eye.  
"Let go."  
And that was it.

Steve choked, and suddenly everything towered over him.  
He clutched painfully at his chest and then his throat, as if he was trying to stop the emotions from flooding out. Each gasp tore down his throat and his mind raced as he lost himself in his past horrors. Hissed a breath through clenched teeth, the strength left him, even as he attempted to mask his pain.  
A forceful cry escaped his lips.

Grace blinked back tears as she watched the soldier struggle to fall apart, so used to hiding behind the shield.  
"Hey, hey Steve." Grace spoke gently, slowly moving her hand to rest in the middle of the coffee table, offering comfort and company.  
"You are strong but its okay to hurt." 

He stared at her with red, bloodshot eyes. His hand hesitantly moved towards hers before grabbing it desperately, almost forgetting to be gentle.  
Grace smiled comfortingly.

They can do this.  
They will do this.  
Hell, they both punched Hitler. (Another story for another time.)

It will be okay.


End file.
